Lately, I feel like I’m slowly getting my life back on track. I mean.. I still have my job, barely, but still have it, I’m on JSA so I have some form of income until I completely sort out my illness to take on a real job, and my illness IS starting to clear up. But even though I KNOW that my life is getting back on track, I somehow feel that its derailing too.. I currently lack the motivation to do literally ANYTHING at the moment, and I still blame that mainly on lack of self-confidence.

Just to point out. No matter how hard anyone tries, my self-confidence will never get to the point where I start thinking better of myself. I get called cute on a daily basis by different people, but I’ll never agree with them. I get called an awesome person by a lot of people, but fail to see why. I just don’t want to slip into some egomaniac state where I’m up my own ass to the point that, if possible, I’d pull my head back out of my mouth. I don’t like the idea of ‘bigging myself up’ cause I’ll end up looking more of an idiot then I do now.

At the moment, I just feel there is hardly anything going for me in life lately as my friends come and go, my emotions are starting to disappear yet again, and I’m just starting to lose interest in everyone that isn’t close to me. I’ll be back at square one before my illness took over my life, and it’ll just keep repeating itself over and over in an infinite loop because I’m just not the kind of person to pluck up the courage to actually change it because, frankly, is it worth making a go of life when it’ll only kick you in the crotch at the end anyway? Give me a completely decent reason, then I may consider changing the way things are for me a bit. But at the moment, there isn’t a single thing that can motivate me to change. I have no life goals to accomplish, everything I want is too far away and keeps getting further no matter how fast I run towards it. I mean, yeah, there are people that are important to me, but lately, I feel as if my life doesn’t really affect theirs as much as it used to.

I hope I don’t sound depressed because funnily enough, I’m not. I’m not even sad, but not happy at the same time. Everything is just so neutral lately. Last time everything was like this is not long after I came out of hospital and I felt like a robot, lacking emotions.

But yeah, Nothing much going for me, low self-esteem, confidence issues and lack of motivation to do things pretty much summarizes this whole blog. Back to square one again.

I shall not bore you any longer with my ramblings of my current situation any longer.

Have a good night and peace out.